A Balanced Diet

First published: 10th November 2010

Nutrition is subject to a lot of variables and fashion. People seem to think that chemicals in their food are bad, but food is chemicals.

Labels shout at us, "No Preservatives", oh, so that means the food goes bad quickly? Hold on, have you ever seen a jar of jam saying that? Jam is basically fruit with so much sugar (both from the fruit, concentrated by removing the water, and added) that spoilage organisms cannot grow, the sugar is a preservative. But, somehow, we are supposed to understand that it means no "bad" preservatives. I guess that rules out cyanide, a pity, because it is very effective at preventing spoilage by aerobic organisms.

I like organic food, in fact, I insist my food should be almost entirely organic, but that is because I know that organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds, including proteins, sugars, fats, vitamins and carbohydrates. I do allow some inorganic food, a little salt (mainly sodium chloride, with a little magnesium carbonate, potassium iodide, potassium iodate or sodium hexacyanoferrate) and other minerals, but I don't tend to chew on a nail, even if I feel anaemic.

So, here is my suggestion for a diet, based on the "food pyramid":

Fats, Oils, SweetsUse SparinglyBrent Crude
Meat, Dairy, beans, nuts2-3Coffee with cream, chocolate
Fruit, Vegetables3-5Red wine, white wine, brandy, sherry, jam, potcheen
Cereals6-11Beer, whisky, sake

Please consult your doctor before considering this diet, or look up satire in a dictionary.